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Women Leaving Men For Women?


Recently, I read this article called Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women. SubhanAllah, this article has so many red flags for all of us. I just have this running through my head from Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan’s lecture – families are the basis of society. These families are changing, so obviously, the society is changing. People want to bash this right away, and of course, na’udhobillah, this is great crime in the sight of Allah, but it has a HUGE lesson for us. Why exactly is it happening? How can we make sure it doesn’t happen?

The first lady and her ex-husband, said the following:

“I was in the more powerful role,” says Gomez-Barris, a PhD and an assistant professor in the sociology and American studies and ethnicity departments. “I made more money and was struggling to balance my work and home life.”

“Immersed,” is how Leni puts it. “She lived and breathed USC. All her friends were professors, and eventually I was obsolete. I’m nothing the system considers I should be as a traditional man. I’m not ambitious. I don’t care that much about money. I was brought up among torture survivors, and the most important values were in the emotional realm of human experience, to soothe and support.”

His noble ideals unfortunately clashed with day-to-day realities. “Someone had to care about making money to support our family,” says Gomez-Barris. Despite efforts to save their relationship in counseling, they ended up separating.

So, they couldn’t deal with the woman ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship. This reminded me of Khadija, (ra), who was older than the Prophet, sall Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and a very wealthy and successful buisiness woman. Their marriage worked – not just because *he* was a prophet and *she* was one of the mothers of the believers. They were human too. They learned how to respect each other for how they were and to work out how they were going to live. They were ‘garments’ for each other – able to ‘sooth and support’ like what Leni was looking for.

Side Note: If our brothers aren’t going to support our sisters in professional positions, our Ummah isn’t going to get anywhere.

According to science, they can’t fully answer why women are doing this. I have my own theory :). The article mentions:

Many of them say, for example, they are attracted to the person, and not the gender—moved by traits like kindness, intelligence, and humor, which could apply to a man or a woman. Most of all, they long for an emotional connection. And if that comes by way of a female instead of a male, the thrill may override whatever heterosexual orientation they had.

Women have a stronger emotional need that needs to fulfilled (versus the physical needs of men). For these women, men aren’t fulfilling this need for them. So, they turn to women. Perhaps it’s a problem with our society as a whole – as Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan was mentioning in the video I posted. Men come home but they’re not really there – they’re on BlackBerrys and laptops. These women need an outlet to feel appreciated and supported, and to have their needs fulfilled. Other women understand so they turn to that.

“Ironically—or not, as some might argue—it is certain “masculine” qualities that draw many straight-labeled women to female partners; that, in combination with emotional connection, intimacy, and intensity.”

“April is a beautiful, feminine woman,” says Falcon, “yet she’s so much like a guy, analytical but not overly introspective, and, just like my dad, she likes to build things and can fix anything.”

I found it ironic – that the women still looked for women with masculine qualities – it’s like you can’t fully erase the natural way we’re made. One of the ladies kept referring to her partner as ‘him’ and ‘he’ even though *she* is a woman.

Interesting notes about intimacy:

“…And in some ways, the experience is better than in heterosexual sex. Sex with most men is phallic-centered and revolves around intercourse, and that can be limiting and unsatisfying.”


“I enjoyed sex with men,” she says, “but there was a lack of emotional intimacy with them…”

“I found pleasure with men,” she explains, “but I never liked the hierarchy of heterosexual relationships. And after sex, I usually felt empty and almost incidental, as if the man really didn’t see me for me, and I could have been anyone.”

SubhanAllah. These women felt used during intimacy with their men. They didn’t feel loved and needed – but just like anyone else. It was like they weren’t people. SubhanAllah. Shaykh Yasir Qadhi addressed this many times in his email series ‘Like a Garment.’

Any good husband must realize that a woman’s primary need is emotional. He must take into account the prophetic tradition “The best of you are those who are best to their wives,” [Sahih al-Bukhari], and then strive to be the best to his wife.
Men have been assigned the responsibility by Allah to take care of their wives, and this entails treating them with love and respect, and striving to make them happy. If a husband can fulfill his wife’s primary needs, not only will Allah reward him, his wife will be content with him, and together the couple’s life will be more harmonious. Moreover, when a woman’s needs are fulfilled she will be more willing to fulfill her husband’s needs.
The best way to satisfy a woman’s emotional needs is to listen to her and respond to her with compassion. By listening to her intently, with your undivided attention, and taking a genuine interest in what she has to say, she will feel loved, cherished and important. Realize that when she approaches you with her problems, she doesn’t necessarily want solutions, she just wants sympathy and understanding.

Whoa. So, perhaps many of these women aren’t really lesbian but they go to those means so they can fulfill their needs.

In the Hadith of Jabir, (ra), [Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim] many things were mentioned.

Shaykh Yasir said in reference to the beginning of the hadith: “The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam clearly mentioned that both parties should be satisfied with each other. In many Muslim cultures, women’s sexuality is sidelined or even suppressed (through such barbaric practices as FGM – female genital mutilation). Women’s sexuality is no less important than men’s, and it is essential that a woman also be given her due right.” It is our Islamic duty to fulfill the rights of both spouses!

The hadith continues with:

“…so that you can play with her and she can play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh.”

The ending of this part struck me because in order to laugh with someone, you need a relationship with them – ie it is *more* than just phsycial. Shaykh Yasir said: “This understanding is further reinforced by examining the life of our Prophet salla Allahu ‘ alayhi wa sallam. In every sense of the term, he was a loving, caring, gentle, and compassionate husband to his wives. It is even correct and proper to say that he was romantic with his wives in the most ideal and noble of ways. Some of these hadiths will be mentioned in our future correspondence.”

“…Then he said to me, ‘When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'”

In Explanation, Shaykh Yasir said: “The last phrase of the hadith is translated as ‘…then be wise and gentle’. The Arabic is ‘fa-l-kayyis al-kayyis’, which is an emphasis on this word. The word ‘kayyis’ primarily means wisdom, but it also has the connotation of gentleness. Scholars have understood this phrase to mean that Jabir should approach his wife in a gentle and wise manner.” So, perhaps it could mean that don’t use the woman for her body – be wise about it?

In the end, what did the first lady have to say?

Despite this, Gomez-Barris says she and Halberstam have an incredibly fulfilling relationship. “We’re both very fiery. But we work as a team and have good communication. And Jack gives me space to be a mother and an academic,” she says. “Jack is the right person for me.”

She had her needs fulfilled – that’s why she’s happy in this relationship. She got what she couldn’t have in her previous marriage.

This is a huge eye-opener. Why? Because Muslims aren’t immune. If we go into our marriages not knowing how to fullfill the rights and needs of our spouses, some of us will look for other outlets. We *know* homosexuality is haram but Muslims indulge in this, astaghfirullah. (Remember the people of Lut, ‘alayhis salaam, and how they were totally destroyed!) We need to figure out how to make sure that doesn’t happen – by knowing why it happens. We need to go into marriages with *open* eyes so we create a strong, proper foundation for a strong society.

Ustadh Wisam Sharieff gave a talk at ICNA which I caught online in which he was talking pop culture, at one point about the Katy Perry song called ‘I Kissed A Girl.’ Even in the song, she says ‘it feels so wrong, it feels so right.’ She is subconsciouly admitting it isn’t right. Also, it’s like everything is in our media – making people think it’s okay. We’re surrounded by it so we can NOT avoid it. We have to address it, understand it, and make sure we don’t fall into it.

May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala keep us far away from that which He hates and make us love that which He loves! Ameen.


22 thoughts on “Women Leaving Men For Women?

  1. SubhanAllah. This is so right and so perfect in that you have actually adressed what ive been trying to say. Not the lesbian aspect but whats wrong in marriages today. Why won’t the men listen? We discuss this subject, over and over in different venues and the men let it go in one ear and out the other. This is such a relavent subject for us muslims to discuss cause its real and its happening now, and it needs to be addressed, before Shaytaan ruins more marriages.

  2. Wow how disgusting!

    You did a great job, Mashallah!!!! Everyone should read this!! I totally agree with you, when a persons needs are not fulfilled, eventually they will turn to something to find a way to fulfill them.. hence Allah swt gave us a way to fulfill our every need in a halal way.. but when even that halal form is not fulfilling… where could one go???

    Subhan Allah.. May Allah swt protect the Muslimeen from all evil!

  3. Awesome. MashaAllah!
    I gotta say though, that, when a woman keeps on advancing in all aspects of life (whether education, community involvement, intellectual thinking, etc.) if her male partner does not keep up and is either at the same level or even higher, the female will not be finding other aspects that she looks for (besides the emotional support mentioned)…Asides from the emotional needs that we need fulfilled, the female also seeks someone more intellectual and involved than her in all aspects in life, so that she may be able to respect him and look up to him, trust him, be able to trust his opinions and listen/obey the things he asks of her…otherwise, she will not feel that he is making the right decisions and she will not be able to trust his opinions…And that, my dear mush mush, is sometimes more important than emotional support…

    • Yeah, def’n so true – it’s not just about emotional support. I think that’s highlighted in the story of the first woman – she was successful academically whereas her husband was not and that caused friction. Ahh… well could you include that within emotional support? LoL guess that’s like putting it all together. But like within emotional support is the respect, compatability, etc ?

      • LOL…i think I would give level in academics and education its own category 🙂 exberience teaches my dear…that’s why sometimes you gotta watch out from such articles because once you’re in a situation, such articles may either give you harmful thoughts or benefit you in analyzing the situation…best to always refer to the Prophet peace be upon him…

      • and not just education, but level of LIFE experiences in general…if a girl is more into things than the guy, she will have experience in things that he doesn’t…now, if he gives her respect and the ability to make decisions and not just orders her around, that is helpful…they have to trust each other that their partner is making the right decisions because of their background…they have to respect that background and know that their partner is doing their best in a halal way, but then again, shaitan’s main goal is to separate between husband/wife right? 🙂 and the challenges begin 🙂

  4. I’m glad you took time out to write this! masha’Allah, after i read that article, i kept remembering how YQ’s emails kept saying how women aren’t having their emotional desires fulfilled. Then this article she was saying that she got them fulfilled by another women, but really is that all they want. They cant have it balanced out…ekk doesnt make sense

  5. also, about this:

    “This is a huge eye-opener. Why? Because Muslims aren’t immune. If we go into our marriages not knowing how to fullfill the rights and needs of our spouses, some of us will look for other outlets. We *know* homosexuality is haram but Muslims indulge in this, astaghfirullah. (Remember the people of Lut, ’alayhis salaam, and how they were totally destroyed!) We need to figure out how to make sure that doesn’t happen – by knowing why it happens. We need to go into marriages with *open* eyes so we create a strong, proper foundation for a strong society”

    As muslims we should follow the advice of the Prophet peace be upon him when he advised that a female should marry of her status…someone who can treat you the same way you are treated at your home and is at your level or even higher…don’t just throw yourself at anyone just because he’s “nice” and “religious”…there are other aspects to consider…

  6. MashaAllah, I love your extensive analysis on the article. It makes me feel very blessed to have access to the wisdom of the Qur’aan and Sunnah, and stories like these are plain proofs of what Allah has commanded and that Islam is the solution. Jazaki Allahu khairan for sharing.

  7. Pingback: 2010 in review « Random Reflections

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