Recently, I read this article called Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women. SubhanAllah, this article has so many red flags for all of us. I just have this running through my head from Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan’s lecture – families are the basis of society. These families are changing, so obviously, the society is changing. People want to bash this right away, and of course, na’udhobillah, this is great crime in the sight of Allah, but it has a HUGE lesson for us. Why exactly is it happening? How can we make sure it doesn’t happen?
The first lady and her ex-husband, said the following:
“I was in the more powerful role,” says Gomez-Barris, a PhD and an assistant professor in the sociology and American studies and ethnicity departments. “I made more money and was struggling to balance my work and home life.”
“Immersed,” is how Leni puts it. “She lived and breathed USC. All her friends were professors, and eventually I was obsolete. I’m nothing the system considers I should be as a traditional man. I’m not ambitious. I don’t care that much about money. I was brought up among torture survivors, and the most important values were in the emotional realm of human experience, to soothe and support.”
His noble ideals unfortunately clashed with day-to-day realities. “Someone had to care about making money to support our family,” says Gomez-Barris. Despite efforts to save their relationship in counseling, they ended up separating.
So, they couldn’t deal with the woman ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship. This reminded me of Khadija, (ra), who was older than the Prophet, sall Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and a very wealthy and successful buisiness woman. Their marriage worked – not just because *he* was a prophet and *she* was one of the mothers of the believers. They were human too. They learned how to respect each other for how they were and to work out how they were going to live. They were ‘garments’ for each other – able to ‘sooth and support’ like what Leni was looking for.
Side Note: If our brothers aren’t going to support our sisters in professional positions, our Ummah isn’t going to get anywhere.
According to science, they can’t fully answer why women are doing this. I have my own theory :). The article mentions:
Many of them say, for example, they are attracted to the person, and not the gender—moved by traits like kindness, intelligence, and humor, which could apply to a man or a woman. Most of all, they long for an emotional connection. And if that comes by way of a female instead of a male, the thrill may override whatever heterosexual orientation they had.
Women have a stronger emotional need that needs to fulfilled (versus the physical needs of men). For these women, men aren’t fulfilling this need for them. So, they turn to women. Perhaps it’s a problem with our society as a whole – as Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan was mentioning in the video I posted. Men come home but they’re not really there – they’re on BlackBerrys and laptops. These women need an outlet to feel appreciated and supported, and to have their needs fulfilled. Other women understand so they turn to that.
“Ironically—or not, as some might argue—it is certain “masculine” qualities that draw many straight-labeled women to female partners; that, in combination with emotional connection, intimacy, and intensity.”
“April is a beautiful, feminine woman,” says Falcon, “yet she’s so much like a guy, analytical but not overly introspective, and, just like my dad, she likes to build things and can fix anything.”
I found it ironic – that the women still looked for women with masculine qualities – it’s like you can’t fully erase the natural way we’re made. One of the ladies kept referring to her partner as ‘him’ and ‘he’ even though *she* is a woman.
Interesting notes about intimacy:
“…And in some ways, the experience is better than in heterosexual sex. Sex with most men is phallic-centered and revolves around intercourse, and that can be limiting and unsatisfying.”
“I enjoyed sex with men,” she says, “but there was a lack of emotional intimacy with them…”
“I found pleasure with men,” she explains, “but I never liked the hierarchy of heterosexual relationships. And after sex, I usually felt empty and almost incidental, as if the man really didn’t see me for me, and I could have been anyone.”
SubhanAllah. These women felt used during intimacy with their men. They didn’t feel loved and needed – but just like anyone else. It was like they weren’t people. SubhanAllah. Shaykh Yasir Qadhi addressed this many times in his email series ‘Like a Garment.’
Any good husband must realize that a woman’s primary need is emotional. He must take into account the prophetic tradition “The best of you are those who are best to their wives,” [Sahih al-Bukhari], and then strive to be the best to his wife.
Men have been assigned the responsibility by Allah to take care of their wives, and this entails treating them with love and respect, and striving to make them happy. If a husband can fulfill his wife’s primary needs, not only will Allah reward him, his wife will be content with him, and together the couple’s life will be more harmonious. Moreover, when a woman’s needs are fulfilled she will be more willing to fulfill her husband’s needs.
The best way to satisfy a woman’s emotional needs is to listen to her and respond to her with compassion. By listening to her intently, with your undivided attention, and taking a genuine interest in what she has to say, she will feel loved, cherished and important. Realize that when she approaches you with her problems, she doesn’t necessarily want solutions, she just wants sympathy and understanding.
Whoa. So, perhaps many of these women aren’t really lesbian but they go to those means so they can fulfill their needs.
In the Hadith of Jabir, (ra), [Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim] many things were mentioned.
Shaykh Yasir said in reference to the beginning of the hadith: “The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam clearly mentioned that both parties should be satisfied with each other. In many Muslim cultures, women’s sexuality is sidelined or even suppressed (through such barbaric practices as FGM – female genital mutilation). Women’s sexuality is no less important than men’s, and it is essential that a woman also be given her due right.” It is our Islamic duty to fulfill the rights of both spouses!
The hadith continues with:
“…so that you can play with her and she can play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh.”
The ending of this part struck me because in order to laugh with someone, you need a relationship with them – ie it is *more* than just phsycial. Shaykh Yasir said: “This understanding is further reinforced by examining the life of our Prophet salla Allahu ‘ alayhi wa sallam. In every sense of the term, he was a loving, caring, gentle, and compassionate husband to his wives. It is even correct and proper to say that he was romantic with his wives in the most ideal and noble of ways. Some of these hadiths will be mentioned in our future correspondence.”
“…Then he said to me, ‘When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'”
In Explanation, Shaykh Yasir said: “The last phrase of the hadith is translated as ‘…then be wise and gentle’. The Arabic is ‘fa-l-kayyis al-kayyis’, which is an emphasis on this word. The word ‘kayyis’ primarily means wisdom, but it also has the connotation of gentleness. Scholars have understood this phrase to mean that Jabir should approach his wife in a gentle and wise manner.” So, perhaps it could mean that don’t use the woman for her body – be wise about it?
In the end, what did the first lady have to say?
Despite this, Gomez-Barris says she and Halberstam have an incredibly fulfilling relationship. “We’re both very fiery. But we work as a team and have good communication. And Jack gives me space to be a mother and an academic,” she says. “Jack is the right person for me.”
She had her needs fulfilled – that’s why she’s happy in this relationship. She got what she couldn’t have in her previous marriage.
This is a huge eye-opener. Why? Because Muslims aren’t immune. If we go into our marriages not knowing how to fullfill the rights and needs of our spouses, some of us will look for other outlets. We *know* homosexuality is haram but Muslims indulge in this, astaghfirullah. (Remember the people of Lut, ‘alayhis salaam, and how they were totally destroyed!) We need to figure out how to make sure that doesn’t happen – by knowing why it happens. We need to go into marriages with *open* eyes so we create a strong, proper foundation for a strong society.
Ustadh Wisam Sharieff gave a talk at ICNA which I caught online in which he was talking pop culture, at one point about the Katy Perry song called ‘I Kissed A Girl.’ Even in the song, she says ‘it feels so wrong, it feels so right.’ She is subconsciouly admitting it isn’t right. Also, it’s like everything is in our media – making people think it’s okay. We’re surrounded by it so we can NOT avoid it. We have to address it, understand it, and make sure we don’t fall into it.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala keep us far away from that which He hates and make us love that which He loves! Ameen.